


Cleanse My Loving Heart

by madamelibrarian, Mrs_SimonTam_PHD



Series: Loving Heart [11]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crazy Cult Leaders, Cult Suicide, M/M, Multi, Satanic Worship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-21 14:31:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7390969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamelibrarian/pseuds/madamelibrarian, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD/pseuds/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucifer learns to deal with the knowledge that a crazed cult leader worships him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cleanse My Loving Heart

“Today, in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, 150 people were found dead. Officials believe that this resulted from the teachings of a charismatic leader who called himself Alistair. Alistair and his followers were living in a commune surrounded by barbed wire fences. FBI released this video, recorded by the leader of the commune.” The news anchor said solemnly before the screen was filled with a scrawny man in his late sixties, his eyes wild with the fervent madness of a fanatical believer.

_ “The end is upon us and our Lord Lucifer will burn this world clean and only his true followers will join him at his side and be rewarded forever more.”  _ The man on the screen raised his hands over his head in supplication and shouted to the sky.  _ “Receive us LightBringer and cleanse the world as you’ve promised!” _

The man disappeared from the screen and was replaced with the News Anchor once more. “Of the total dead, 67 were children under the age of 16. In other news…”

Lucifer clicked off the TV and stood up, pacing around the bunker’s tiny living room. His chest felt tight and his head was spinning like a dreidel during Hanukkah as tears burned his eyes. He recognized that he was about to burst into tears and he took a deep breath, swallowing the urge to let loose and focused on his anger instead, punching the concrete wall with his bare fist. The harsh stone tore his knuckles up, healing without a trace, and that made Lucifer angrier. 

He never wanted a following, never wanted people to die for him. Hell, he never even wanted to be worshipped. He made _mistakes,_ costly ones, ones that caused him eons worth of torment and sorrow and pain. It’s not anything to be proud of, or to be worshipped for, or to _die_ for. Even though he’s reformed, he wants no one to die for a religion or for Father or for him or for _any of that namby pamby human nonsense._ ESPECIALLY when you involve _children_. Children who can’t decide to live or die, that choice being made for them.

He hoped this man was in Hell, and that one of his demons was torturing the man called Alistair. 

He punched the wall again, and again, gritting his teeth and breathing harshly. 

Dean hobbled into the room, cane clutched in his hand to keep the weight off his injured ankle,  just as Lucifer punched the wall. Too dumbstruck to move, he remained perfectly still until the angel slowed down. “Yo, Luci.. what did that wall do?”

Lucifer stiffened and swallowed the lump in his throat. “Nothing. I’m fine.” he bit out tersely. 

“People don’t punch walls because they’re fine.” Dean carefully wobbled towards him. “What happened? Because if it’s Sam, I have a cane at the moment and I’m not afraid to use it.”

Lucifer gave a hollow laugh. “No, it’s not Sam, and it’s not Gabe. No beating required.” He shook his head and closed in upon himself. “Don’t want to talk about it. Want to punch it out.” He punched the wall again, willing himself not to heal the bruised and bloodied knuckles. 

Dean blinked and watched for a couple of swings. “Far be it for me to interrupt your wall abuse, but Sam will have our asses if we ruin the bunker or you get any bloodier.”

“I’m not gonna ruin the bunker, and I’m fine. Want to be bloody,” Lucifer grumbled, punching the wall again, hissing at the pain.

“I’d hate to be the asshole that pissed you off then.” Dean said quietly as he moved over to the sofa and plopped down, propping his leg up on the coffee table. “They must have done something pretty nasty to get you this worked up. You’re usually pretty cool about things.”

Lucifer took a deep breath and blew it out, giving another vicious punch. “It involved children.” He stated, throwing another one.

Dean cocked his head to the side as he thought of what Lucifer could have been watching to hear about an incident with children. Then it dawned on him, he’d seen the report in the paper that morning. “Pennsylvania? That cult leader?” 

Lucifer winced and gave a curt nod. The wall received ten more punches, each one harder than the last. 

“Unoriginal if you ask me and damned sick. IF you want to drink the poisoned fruit punch because you think you’ll jet off to Mars then more power to ya, but to take others with you, especially kids. That’s just..Demons I understand but that’s just creepy.” Dean said with a shake of his head. 

Lucifer let loose another punch, groaning as he felt his right ring finger break but ignoring it. The urge to cry was still there, and stronger than before, but Lucifer didn’t want to let it go. He really didn’t. He didn’t want to cry, there was no  _ reason  _ to cry. “Combine it with the fact that he did this  _ in my name  _ and it’s really fucked up.” 

Dean got up from the couch with a groan, leaving his cane on the table, he limped his way to Lucifer and laid a hand on his shoulder. “That’s because people don’t know you, Dude. But whether he did it in your name or not. He still would have done it. Hell, look at Waco, TX or the other cults that have made headlines. They all have their reasons to go around the bend.”

“But why?” Lucifer asked in a gruff voice thick with emotion as he flung another punch, milder this time but still with anger and force about it. “Why do this in. . . whosever name? We don’t care, and frankly, we think it’s stupid. And even if I was ‘good’ in their eyes, they’d still probably do it. People kill themselves in the name of God all the time. And it’s. . . it’s fucked up. And then you throw in children-” His voice rose half an octave and he stopped speaking, concentrating on the blood leaking down from his knuckles to keep himself from crying. 

Dean pulled on Lucifer’s shoulder, turning him around to face him. “Because the human race as a whole is screwy. There isn’t a good explanation for it.”

Lucifer nodded, not daring to look into Dean’s eyes. His hands balled into fists and he concentrated on the pain radiating from his punching matching with the wall and taking deep breaths. “There should be,” he whispered. 

“Yea, there should be. It’d make us feel better. But in the end you shed a tear for the loss of the innocent and move on.” Dean ducked his head down to try and catch Lucifer’s eye. “There’s no shame in crying for that reason.”

Lucifer squeezed his eyes shut. No, he couldn't cry. He had to be strong. Had to be strong for the children who were forced to drink the Kool-Aid, had to be strong for the women who were coerced by their husbands to commit suicide and make their children do the same. Had to be strong so when he returned to Hell for a monthly check up, he didn’t just deck the idiot who did all of this. 

Seeing the struggle on the angel’s face, Dean did a rare thing. He wrapped his arms around the angel’s shoulders and held him tight. “Don’t bottle it like this. You of all people shouldn’t do that. It’ll blow up in your face eventually.”

Lucifer grimaced and took deep breaths to get himself calm, to the point where tears weren’t pin pricking his eyes and the hurt flowed through his veins. Anger would help these poor souls more than tears. Maybe if he just punched the wall a dozen more times. . . 

“I can count on one hand the number of times I cried in front of someone. But you want to know a secret?” Dean spoke softly to him, much like he used to do with Sam when they were younger. “When Dad died and when I came back from hell. There wasn’t a night that didn’t go by where I didn’t cry myself to sleep.”

Lucifer poked his head up but didn’t open his eyes. “You did?” He coughed out. He was right on the verge, yes he was, and he could feel the sinus pressure building up from holding in his tears for so long but he couldn’t let go. He just couldn’t. 

“Yep, until I just stopped. Sam saw once or twice. He had to have. But he never thought less of me for it or talked about it. He knew it’d upset me more. So, you see. With something like this, if you want, you can cry, scream and rave. I won't think you’re weaker for it. In fact if I wasn’t jaded I’d probably cry too.” Dean pulled back and gripped the side of Lucifer’s neck, in a gesture of camaraderie. “Whatever you need Lucifer. You’re family now and I’m here.”

“I can’t. I just. . . I can’t,” Lucifer panted, reaching up with a bruised and bloodied hand to grab onto Dean’s shoulder and ducking his head down. “I just can’t let go, can’t let myself cry.” 

“Why? Who are you keeping it in for? Me, Sam, Gabe? We don’t care.” Dean explained 

“Them. Can’t cry for them, gotta be strong for them,” Lucifer managed to say, sinking to his knees. 

Dean sighed and pulled a chair up close so he could sit. “Luci’, they’re dead. They can’t hear you either.”

Lucifer choked and shook his head. “Still gotta be strong, gotta be strong for them, gotta be their voice, can’t cry and be their voice, that’s not how it works, gotta be strong, keep it in, let it out in anger,” he babbled, voice cracking. 

Dean leaned down and lifted Lucifer’s head with both hands on either side of his face. “If I learned anything from Hell is cold rage is a lot scarier than hot anger. Let it out where you’re safe so you can face the hordes of Hell like the monarch you are.”

Lucifer gasped and swallowed everything down, a couple of tears rolling angrily down his face and he furiously brushed them away, leaving behind streaks of blood and concrete flecks across his narrow cheekbones. “Everything’s hot, I can’t breathe, everything hurts I just don’t want to feel but I don’t want to let go and I just. . . I just. . .” He coughed into his hastily brought up elbow, a few more tears trickling down. 

“I know.” Dean said quietly as he laid a hand on top of Lucifer’s head and closed his eyes. “I know.”

“I’ve. . . I’ve never. . . not like this, not  _ ever  _ like this,” Lucifer whispered quietly, trying to stop the flow of tears but unable to, gripping one of Dean’s thighs hard. 

“Maybe it’s time you did.” Dean said softly. 

“I dunno if I can.” Lucifer whimpered. He shivered violently before coughing from holding everything in. 

Dean bit his bottom lip and glanced towards the hall leading to the bedrooms. He knew that Lucifer felt exposed out here in the main areas of the Bunker where anyone could walk by. What he needed was a quiet place that he felt safe in. Secure. Taking a deep breath he stood up. “Come on, Luci’. Let’s get you to the nest. We’ll just lay quiet until you feel better.”

Lucifer slowly nodded, standing up carefully. Maybe if he just laid quietly, in the dark, the urge to scream and cry and mourn would go away. And if he did cry, at least no one would see because he planned on making the room as dark as he could. 

Grabbing his cane, Dean clapped his hand on Lucifer’s shoulder and hobbled with him to the nest. “You want to heal your hand or you want me to bandage it?”

Lucifer shook his head, indicating neither. The pain helped him, to a point, reminded him of the anger he felt, the righteous anger he felt. He clung to that pain like a lifeline, willing it to help him not cry or make a scene. 

Making it to the room, Dean pushed the door open. “Here we are. Home within the home.”

Lucifer nodded and made his way over to the nest, falling onto the bed and curling himself up into the smallest ball he could, covering himself with his wings. 

Dean approached the nest and covered Lucifer with one of the blankets. “Do you want me to stay. At least until Sam and Gabe get back from the store?”

Lucifer nodded, grateful for the blanket and the question. If Dean was there, he reasoned with himself, he didn’t have to cry. He didn’t need to. Because he wouldn’t. Simple as that. 

Sitting on the edge of the nest, he lays back and lets out a sigh of relaxation. “I forget how comfortable this is.”

Lucifer smiled and closed his eyes, focusing on even breathing. 

“I never thanked you for saving Sam like you did.” Dean murmured several minutes later, having laid in silence for as long as he could. He’d counted the cracks in the ceiling twice in that time and had started to fidget.

“You don’t have to thank me, Dean,” Lucifer mumbled, tears still in his eyes and his breathing ragged. Every time he closed his eyes, he imagined the horrified looks of those who had died thanks to that cult leader’s idiotic fanaticism and the emotions threatened to overflow again. “I certainly didn’t mind it. I would’ve done the same had it been you.”  

Dean patted Lucifer’s hand and gave it a short squeeze. “Can I ask you something?”

Lucifer nodded. “Of course.” 

“If that Alistair guy is in hell and becomes a demon, can I be the one to shove the demon knife into his black heart?” Dean’s tone was light as if he were asking for the last slice pizza in the box.

Lucifer drew in a deep breath and nodded his head rapidly, biting his lower lip to distract himself from the tears threatening to spill over. 

“Good. I saw the picture they had of the kids on the web. One of them looked like Sam at that age.” Dean said with a sigh as he looked up at the ceiling. “And that kind of evil doesn’t need the power of hell behind it.”

Lucifer choked out a sob, the sound catching in his throat and he coughed violently as he imagined what that child looked like with that simple description. 

Dean rolled over and tucked one hand under his head and reached out with the other to rest on Lucifer’s chest. “You’re safe here, Luci’” he whispered. “I won’t tell or judge you for whatever you need to do.”

Lucifer rolled into Dean and buried his face into his chest to hide, clutching his shirt hard enough to rip it as he choked out another sob, trying to get himself to get beyond the crying phase but unable to as he stopped himself again and he pounded on Dean’s chest angrily, as if to demand why the crying wouldn’t come out or why it was a thing. Honestly, Lucifer didn’t know which he was asking, perhaps it was both. 

Taking hold of Lucifer’s wrists, he stilled the pounding hands and wrapped his arms around him. He knew Lucifer was fighting everything so hard but for whatever reason he wouldn’t let it out and Dean wanted to be helpful in some way, so he offered the only other thing he knew he could.  “Luci, should you...should I call Sam so you can go small?”

Lucifer shook his head stubbornly. He wanted to scream and punch things and cause a ruckus, but the tightness in his chest and the feeling of drinking too much ambrosia and the horror and anguish he felt prevented him from doing such things, but he was preventing himself from crying. 

Dean was at a loss now on how to help Lucifer. So he decided to lay quietly with his arms loosely around Lucifer’s waist, praying to himself that he could be of more use and if a small prayer for the souls lost to incomprehensible violent insanity slipped in, he wasn’t going to mention it.

It started off with a few sniffles, a few tired sniffles that showed how hard Lucifer had fought against the crying he so desperately needed to do, even if he didn’t want to admit it to himself. He stopped the mild struggling he had been doing and his body laid still, a few tears being allowed to fall to freedom as he grew exhausted from holding everything in. He was in pain, so much pain, between his bruised knuckles and the migraine that was building up and the aching chest. 

Gabriel burst into the room, his usual joyful self, laughing along with Sam at some comment he’d made. As soon as Gabriel saw his brother lying in the nest with Dean, his smile dropped from his face. It was unusual for just the two of them to be in the nest. “Hey guys, what’s up with the puppy pile?”

Dean looked up from his spot and shook his head. “Just relaxing for a minute.”

Lucifer gave a hiccup and let the tears flow silently, simultaneously pushing Dean away and bringing him closer. 

Sam came in behind Gabriel and they both approached the nest, Sam immediately placing himself behind Lucifer when he heard the hiccup. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” Sam whispered to him. 

That’s what opened the floodgates for Lucifer and he let out a heart wrenching wail as the tears flowed down his cheeks, his body racking with the force of the sobs. 

Sam immediately wrapped him up tight and kissed the nape of his neck. “It’s okay...whatever it is. It’ll be okay.” He murmured to the distress angel. 

“Whoa..” Gabriel said as he sat at Lucifer’s feet, his gaze shifting to Dean. “What happened?”  

“He watched the news about Pennsylvania. Crackpot murdered 150 in his name.” Dean explained quickly as he moved back to make room for Gabriel to squeeze in between him and Lucifer. 

“Oh, Heylel.” Gabriel said as he took the spot offered to him, his arms going around his brother to sandwich him tight between him and Sam.  “He was a nut. You know nuts are everywhere.”

“Most nuts don’t make 67 children drink poisoned Kool-Aid and ask you to save your soul,” Lucifer cried, coughing as he sobbed. 

“Not since the crusades, no.” Gabriel added. “Want to know how many have asked me for help for petty vengeance and genocide over the years?”

“Not helping, Gabriel.” Sam said from over Lucifer’s shoulder. 

Lucifer shook his head and clung to his brother, sobbing into his shoulder, unable to speak any longer from the pain in his chest and in his head and in his hands. 

Dean sat up made to move out of the bed. “I tried to help, Sam.” He said quietly. 

“I know.” Sam replied as he watched his brother prepare to leave, struggling to get the cane gripped right. 

Dean nodded and walked towards the door. “I think I’ll see if we have some gummy bears. He’ll need something like that once he’s wrung out.” 

Sam agreed and went back to trying to comfort Lucifer. “Let it out, Heylel.” He whispered to him while rubbing the angel’s back. 

Lucifer sobbed messily into Gabriel’s shirt, coughing and sputtering and hiding his face. Occasionally the anger kicked in and he pounded on Gabriel’s chest with bloody knuckles, but it was only a couple of hits before it went away. 

“It’s okay, Luci’. We’ll make sure he’s punished.” Gabriel whispered while petting Lucifer’s hair. 

Eventually, Lucifer’s sobs turned into exhausted sniffles, and he slumped against his boyfriends, his face blotchy and red, with tracks of tears, blood, and cement, eyes swollen and glassy. 

Sam slipped out of the nest and went to the bathroom for a cold cloth, returning a minute later, he silently handed it over to Gabriel. 

“You want to talk about it?” Gabriel asked as he started to clean off his brother’s face in gentle swipes of the washcloth. 

Lucifer shook his head, whining as his brother cleaned off his face. 

“That’s okay. You don’t have to.” Sam said as he resumed his position behind Lucifer. “Just rest. You’ll feel better.”

Lucifer stopped fussing and melted back into the nest with a whimper. 

Gabriel used his grace to clean the cloth and make it cool once more before pressing it to Lucifer’s forehead and eyes. “He’s right. Get some rest. We’ll be right here.”

Lucifer whined and squirmed underneath the cool cloth, unable to process what was happening at the moment, accidentally showing his bloodied and dirtied knuckles to Sam.

“Lucifer!” Sam gasped as he took hold of his lover’s hand. “What’s happened here?”

Lucifer whimpered and buried his face into Gabriel. ‘ _ I may’ve punched the wall.’  _

“Did you win?” Gabriel teased very slightly as he reached out to heal Lucifer’s wounds. 

Lucifer shook his head, jerking his hand back slightly so Gabriel couldn’t heal him. 

“Heylel, let him.” Sam said as he wiped a drop of blood from Lucifer’s wrist. 

Lucifer whimpered and squeezed his eyes shut. ‘ _ Don’t want to. Don’t want to be healed. Want to feel the pain. Want to feel ONLY the pain.’ _

Gabriel sighed as he layed back down and curled around his brother. “Why let this crawl under your skin like this?”

“150 people. 67 children. And one of the kids. . . . One of the kids looked like Sam. Fuck, he looked so much like Sam at that age. Couldn’t have been more than ten or so. And it’s just. . . the prayer that the leader said was. . . it called to me and it made me sick and nauseated. And I know they weren’t praying to me as an angel or even me as whatever I am now. It was a prayer to me as the Prince of Darkness. And it HURT, Gabriel, it hurt.” Lucifer sniffled out his explanation.

“And so you think you need to bleed for their sins?” Sam asked softly “I never took you for a martyr.”

“No, it’s not that. I got angry. I wanted to hurt someone. But that’s not who I am, not anymore. And so I punched the wall until Dean took it away from me and then I tried to cry but I couldn’t because I didn’t want to and just couldn’t bring myself to do it. And now everything just hurts and I’m exhausted and want to do nothing but feel the pain.”

“Alright, but you’re letting Sam wrap it up. Then you’re going to have a cup of my hot chocolate and get some rest.” Gabriel said as he got up to retrieve the first aid kit. He understood where is brother was coming from. In his days as a pagan god he’d lost count of how many individuals had the misguided notion that blood sacrifices would get his attention and the results they wanted. It never turned out like they planned. 

Lucifer made a face. He turned in Sam’s arms and buried his face into Sam’s shoulder, closing his eyes and nuzzling his neck. 

“He’s right.” Sam offered as he pressed a kiss to Lucifer’s temple. “You need to sleep, maybe have another cry to get it out of your system.”

Lucifer made a face at the mention of another cry and he made a gruff sort of negative noise that said exactly what he thought of that. 

“What? You too proud to have a good cry? It’s healthy, ya know.” Sam whispered to him. 

Lucifer whined and nuzzled into Sam. ‘ _ I hate the way I feel afterwards.’  _ he whispered into Sam’s mind.

“I don’t think anyone does. But crying, they say, cleanses the soul.” Sam reached out to take the first aid kit from Gabriel when he returned. “No shame in a little soul cleansing from time to time.”

Lucifer shrugged and sighed as he allowed his hand to be manhandled to be patched up. ‘ _ I don’t know. It just. . . it’s more painful than actually feeling pain. If that makes any sense.’ _

“Are you sure you and Dean didn’t share a womb?” Gabriel smiled wryly at Lucifer. “Because if that isn’t the most ‘Winchester’ response I’ve ever heard, I don’t know what is.”

“I think the response that tops that is ‘I’m fine’.” Sam grumbled as he worked on Lucifer’s hand.

Lucifer shrugged and hugged into Sam. ‘ _ Gave Dean that response earlier.’ _

“Oh good, you’re turning into him.” Gabriel teased. 

Sam shook his head with a snort and released Lucifer’s freshly bandaged hand. “I thought you were making hot chocolate?” He asked Gabriel. 

Lucifer nuzzled into Sam and sighed, kissing his neck chastely. 

“I was distracted but I’ll go. Luci’, Tiny marshmallows or the whipped marshmallow fluff?” Gabriel asked as he got up from the bed. 

Lucifer nodded and gave a soft whine. 

“Both it is.” Gabriel bent down and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Be back in two flicks of a cherub's wings.”

Lucifer sighed and whined again burying his face into Sam's neck as he slowly started to relax. 

Sam laid quietly with his cheek pressed to Lucifer’s as his hands skated across his back  in small, soothing circles. It was so difficult for Sam to see either of the angel’s upset but especially Lucifer, since he seemed to take everything so deeply into his heart. At times he had an irrational need to try and protect him from the ills of the world but then had to remind himself that the man...person in his arms was far older than the world. Finally, Sam drew in a deep breath and spoke. “I wish I could take this pain from you.”

Lucifer slowly raised his head to look at Sam with red puffy eyes and a confused expression. ‘ _ Why?’ _

“Because, you’ve had so much and I don’t...I don’t want you to hurt. I don’t want you to hide it either. It’s just hard because I don’t know what to do for you.” Sam confessed as he wiped the tears from Lucifer’s cheeks. 

Lucifer sighed and kept looking at Sam. ‘ _ Hurting is a part of life, Sam, we all go through it. I hide a lot of it, to be honest. I spent most of my life being ‘hurt’ and ‘upset’ and it’s just easier to hide it. If I can’t anymore, I usually just go someplace quiet and scream. But. . . but I couldn’t even do that today.’ _

“I know it’s a part of life.” Sam rubbed his free hand over his face. “And you shouldn’t have to to go somewhere else to be upset. Not all the time. But if it’s what you need, now or anytime then just...let me know or Gabriel. That way we can be here for you when you get back.”

Lucifer shrugged. ‘ _ It doesn’t bother me. I just accepted it. That’s all.’ _

“Dammit Luc’.” Sam said as he sat up in frustration. “That’s my point. You shouldn’t have to just accept it like you’re alone. You have us..all of us.”

Lucifer winced and whined at the loss of his boyfriend and pillow. ‘ _ Sam. You don’t understand. I’ve almost ALWAYS been alone. I don’t know how to ask for help, you know this. I’ve gotten better, sure, but knowing that there’s a family who loves me and who’ll do anything for me? When I’ve had nothing for millennia?’  _ Fresh tears streamed down his face. ‘ _ I can’t ask for help. I can’t get myself to cry unless I’m alone and in the dark, where I’m sure no one can see or hear me. That’s the way I’ve always been. I’ve never even cried in front of Michael before, not since I was a fledgling or maybe a teenager. In the Cage, I always waited until you were asleep and Michael was doing something else and then, and only then, would I cry. I just. . . I c-can’t.’  _

“I’m not asking you to cry in front of us. Just tell us you need time because you’re upset and we’ll be here for when you get back. Maybe someday..someday you’ll feel like you can show that side of yourself to me or Gabriel.” Sam leaned down and kissed away a falling tear. “Try and talk to us, okay?”

Lucifer trembled at the gentle kiss and he buried his face into Sam’s shoulder. 

“It’s okay, baby.” Sam whispers, using the very rare nickname for Lucifer, outside of those times where he was in his small space. 

_ ‘No. No it’s not. It’s not okay, Sam. I should be able to tell you and Gabe these things but I can’t, I feel anxious just thinking about it and I want to and should be able to but I can’t and fuck now I’m sounding like Dean and that’s almost an insult but oh well because I should be able to and I can’t and it HURTS, Sam!!’  _ Fresh tears streamed down his face and he pounded lightly on Sam’s chest, angry and upset and crying again.

Sam wrapped his arms around the angel, holding him close. “Why does it make you anxious?” He asked softly. 

_ ‘Don’t know. I just do. And it makes me want to scream and hearing me scream is worse than nails in a blender.’  _

“Oh, I don’t know about that. There’s been a few times I’ve liked your screaming.” Sam smirked as he tried to change the tone of the conversation. Maybe if they didn’t focus so much on troubles, Lucifer would come out of this rage and melancholy. 

_ ‘Screaming is the polite term. I meant unholy screeching. At the tip of my vocal range. Makes my voice raw for a couple of days but it’s worth it.’  _ Lucifer sniffled and nosed Sam’s neck lightly.

“Do you feel the need to do that? Now?” Sam asked softly.

_ ‘Strangely no. I want to punch and throw things and possibly break a body bone by bone and cry but I’m pushing it all down.’  _ Lucifer’s reply was uncomfortably honest. 

Sam nodded as he thought. He didn’t like the idea that was forming in his mind but if it’s what was needed, then so be it. “Luc’, maybe you should go to Hell. At least there you can let this..rage out without worrying about hurting anyone but demons.”

_ ‘That is the worst idea on the planet.’  _ Lucifer declared. ‘ _ If I go down there looking like this, there goes half the demon loyalty. I’m strong, impassive, no emotion except cold rage. That’s not what I’m feeling right now. I’ll be fine. I can shove it down.’ _

“Then what can we do to help you, Luc’? Because right now I feel a bit useless.” 

Lucifer thought and he sighed. ‘ _ I. . . I don’t know, Sam. I really don’t. But you’re not useless, Sam. Not. . . not at all.’  _ He tucked the blanket around him a bit tighter. 

“Do you want me to stay?” Sam hesitated as he helped Lucifer tuck himself in. 

‘ _ I’m insulted that you had to ask that. Of course I want you to stay. You make me feel safe.’ _ The confession made Lucifer duck his head in shyness and embarrassment. 

“Me? Makes an archangel feel safe?” Sam chuckled dryly. “Now there’s something I don’t hear every day.”

_ ‘There’s a strength and kindness and protectiveness about you that’s. . . soothing, for lack of a better word. It makes me feel safe, yes. Protected, even. We all need to feel that, don’t we?’ _

“We do.” Sam admits as he lays down with him, this time behind Lucifer so that he can be the ‘big spoon’. “It’s not something people like us get very often.”

Lucifer snuggled back into him, closing his eyes and slowly relaxing.  _ ‘Tomorrow. . . would it be okay for me to go small?’  _ He asked shyly after some time spent in quietness. ‘ _ I. . . I might need the openness that being little offers me. This hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.’ _

“Of course.” Sam kisses the nape of his neck as Gabriel comes in with a tray containing three mugs of hot chocolate. 

Gabriel sat the tray on the desk and held a mug out to Lucifer. “Here you go, Heylel. Just the way you like.”

Lucifer sat up and took the mug, thanking his brother with a look and sipped on his hot chocolate quietly. 

Sam took a mug of his own and sat it off to the side on the night stand. His appetite for sweets not as strong tonight as it usually is. 

Gabriel took note of the change in Sam and cast a glance at his brother. Picking up his own mug, he set the tray aside and took a sip before speaking. “You know what? We’re throwing ourselves into a deeper funk. I say we do something other than sit here in the semi-dark and drink chocolate.”

“It’d be completely dark if I had it my way,” Lucifer mumbled into his drink. 

Before Gabriel got a chance to come back with some kind of witty remark, Dean poked his head around the open door. “Hey Luci’, Can I talk to you for a sec?”

Lucifer nodded and he unwrapped himself before getting out of the nest and padding over to Dean, stepping outside the door frame. “Yeah?” he asked. 

Dean stepped back from the door, waving his brother and Gabriel back inside with a scowl. When they’re gone he handed Lucifer a bag of gummy bears. “I found the last bag for you and something I thought might cheer you up a little.”

Lucifer took the gummy bears and looked at Dean curiously. “What is it?”

Pulling his hand from behind his back, he revealed that he was holding a ragged looking teddy bear with one missing eye and patchy brown and black fur. “I thought he could keep your other one company. I don’t remember if he had a name but he was mine. Dad rescued him from the fire and kept him after I grew out of having bears. I do remember that he was my friend and I felt that he kept me safe when everything was….not. And well, if you want him..he’s yours.”

Lucifer’s eyes widened as he looked over the ragged stuffed animal, tears welling up in his eyes. Dean was such a kind person, and he knew that this was a gift he wasn’t offering lightly. To Lucifer, this meant a lot. Dean trusted him and liked him well enough to give him the teddy bear that helped him when he was younger. “Dean.” was all he could say before another flood of tears came over him. 

Dean placed the bear in Lucifer’s hand and pushed it towards his chest before pulling them both into a firm embrace. “It’s okay to let go, Luci. I know it’s hard sometimes but it’s not a weakness. Some very strong people cry when they don’t know what else to do.”

Lucifer nodded and held the bear close to his chest and cried into Dean’s, letting go and sagging against him. Dean knew what he was thinking. Dean knew what he was going through. Dean  _ understood.  _ Completely understood and was standing there telling him that it was fine, that it was okay, and with the teddy bear and how Dean helped him before Sam and Gabriel came home and his boyfriends talking to him, it made him weep. 

Dean doesn’t try to dislodge the angel from his hold or usher him back to Sam and Gabriel, instead he stood perfectly still. All the while, he rubbed Lucifer’s back and made soothing sounds of comfort. Nonsensical in their content but the intent was still there. He just hoped that in the long run that this was helpful in some way. 

When Lucifer’s sobs had ran their course, he sniffled long and loud and nosed into Dean’s neck, inhaling motor grease and gun oil. “Thank you,” he whispered shakily. 

“No problem, Lucifer. Do you feel better at all?” Dean asked as he glanced down at the angel. 

Lucifer nodded, keeping his face pressed against Dean’s neck. “Quite a bit. I mean, I’m going to have a monstrous headache tomorrow until I go small and just. . . adjust my thinking there before I’ll be much better but I’m feeling a lot better.” 

“Good.” Dean said with a pat to the angel’s back. “If you want to help with the headache, try a cool compress, it’ll take down the swelling.”

The fallen angel nodded and took a deep breath and slowly removed his face from Dean’s neck, a little dizzy from the crying spell. “Hot chocolate and bed for me.” he mumbled. 

“That sounds like a good plan.” Dean smoothed a stray bit of fluff on the teddy bear’s head in Lucifer’s arms. “Take good care of him.” he blushed almost imperceptibly. 

Lucifer smiled almost shyly and nodded. “I will.” he promised. He hugged the bear tighter to him. “And thank you for the gummy bears.” 

“You’re welcome.” Dean said with a small grin. “Now go get those two miserable idiots in the nest. I can hear them whispering about us from here.”

Lucifer gave a soft chuckle, hiccupping before turning back to go into the nest, shyly holding Dean’s teddy bear and his bag of gummy bears. Ignoring the questioning stares from his boyfriends, he climbed back into the nest and cuddled the Dean-bear close as he sipped on his hot chocolate and tucked the bag of gummy bears under his pillow to prevent candy thieves like Gabriel from stealing them. Hot chocolate done, he slid underneath the blankets and grabbed Mr. Floofles before settling in and closing his eyes. 

**Author's Note:**

> Find Us on tumblr!!
> 
> mindylee- mindyleeb  
> Mrs_SimonTam_PHD- lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell


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